WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2011
Again, Who am I
Again, I am asking the question, "Who am I"? Well OK, I am more than 67 years old, I agree that I should know who or whom I am! Indeed you are correct, and I am correct, I do know who I am.
Today, I had coffee with someone from my past. Nancy, grew up as my neighbor across the old gravel road. Nancy, had always shown respect and appreciation of me and likewise I held respect and friendship with her for all these years. Nancy stayed in her home town, while I joined the USAF with a goal of obtaining my education.
It did not take long for me to meet and marry my wife of 46 years. Oh yes, Mrs. Jan is the only person that I have given all my heart and love to. There have been many that have been dear friends, but not any that I would give my life to.
Together Jan and I have travel a large part of the whole world, and during those travels I did earn my education. However, in so doing I gave up my roots, as did Jan.
Today, as Nancy visited with us, our conversations were rushed because it seems that we had so much to share. The one thing I did learn is that Nancy has been my prayer angle for me all these years. It is overwhelming to find someone that knows me, and also understands me. For me, becoming very well read, and having a high IQ, with so large a spread of experiences that I have closed myself off to most people. Even family and many friends. Closed off, means that yes I am warm, friendly and understanding while giving shoulder and support, that I very seldom get to receive. Part of this is that I am an artistic creative person, where I was an award winning creative artistic photographer. While doing this career, giving of myself for sixteen hours a day, I became very unable to accept love and appreciation from anyone around me. Yet, I kept giving not only photography but written words as well as counsel.
Recently I learned that I am a "defeated prefect seeking" person. That means I am always striving to make things perfect, and am driven to gain appreciation and acceptance. This condition started when I was in grade school, where I could never please my Dad. To him, I was not of any good, would never amount to anything, and etc. Dad is dead, and still I am trying to gain his appreciation. Dad, I hope you saw before you passed.
So Nancy, today, you affirmed to me again that I did prove to some, my skills and abilities. I am now retired due to medical conditions, but I am thankful that God has given me my artistic talents which keeps me giving to those that are special to me. Like Jan, Nancy, Ashley, Dustin, Darlene and so many others.
Will I ever be at total peace and not think of myself as a looser, but an accomplished person with character that I am. Peace may, but more than likely not total peace. Blessings.
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